The Style Invitational Week 875 Fail us

By The Empress

Saturday, June 26, 2010; C02

If it can't fit in the microwave, it's probably too big for a snack anyway.

Seriously Overenthusiastic Loser Jeff Contompasis recently showed us a bare-bones Web site called Learn From My Fail, in which people post unedited (i.e., mostly illiterate) little life lessons they gleaned from various stupid things they allegedly did.

This week: Give us a funny Learn From My Fail-type lesson, 30 words or fewer, true or not, in your own words or attributed to a famous personage. Unlike those at learnfrommyfail.com (it's up to you whether you actually post it there), yours should NOT be spelled and punctuated as if you had played hooky during all of second, third, fourth and fifth grades.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "The Art of the Bonsai Potato," a guide to achieving "Zen without the wait" by putting a potato (not included) on a plastic tray (included) and letting the spud sprout artistically. Donated by Loser Since Year 1 Sarah W. Gaymon.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, July 6. Put "Week 875" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published July 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Mark Eckenwiler.

Report from Week 871, in which we asked you to change a movie title by one letter (or transpose two nearby letters) and describe the new film. Of the more than 3,000 titles submitted, there were a bunch with funny names but not much to say about them, or were just sent by too many people; these included "Pilates of the Caribbean," "James and the Giant Pesach," "Lice in Wonderland," "Oy Story" and "DoD Gay Afternoon." Lots of people offered "The Princess Bribe": The Sarah Ferguson story. We'll print some more honorable mentions in future weeks, space permitting. If you can't figure out the original name of any of the "remarquees" below, just click on the title.

The Winner of the Inker

Four Weldings and a Funeral: A man attaches a set of rocket engines to his Chevy and momentarily achieves his dream of driving a flying car. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, a First Offender)

2. the winner of the "Afghanistan Smiling Faces" T-shirt:

Golfdinger: Elin Nordegren offers tips on club selection when addressing a difficult lie. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

3.The Blair Itch Project: Amateur filmmakers realize that before shooting in the woods, they should have learned what poison ivy looks like. (Deborah Gilbert, Rixeyville, Va., a First Offender)

4. Watch Me if You Can: Betty White plays an octogenarian pole dancer. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

The Kin of Comedy: Honorable Mentions

An American in Parts: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 7. (Gary Crockett)

The Best Years of Our Livers: D-Day vets reminisce about their days "training" in British pubs. (Randy Lee, Burke)

Bob & Carol & Ted & Lice: Swinging suburbanites get more than they bargained for from sleeping around with the neighbors. (Michael Duffy, Washington)

Bore on the Fourth of July: Behind the scenes at the annual concert on the Capitol lawn. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Bleak Fast at Tiffany's: An exposé of anorexia, still starring Audrey Hepburn. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)

The Bother From Another Planet: ALF, the Movie. (Todd Carton, Wheaton)

The Dork Knight: The adventures of a Renaissance festival groupie. (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

Flying Down to Riot: Military commandos high-tail it to a Central American country for a fun weekend of overthrowing the government. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

The 400 Blobs: A schoolful of obese children take revenge on Michelle Obama. (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria)

C.G.I. Jane: In James Cameron's remake, Demi Moore still has a shaved head but now she's 10 feet tall and blue. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)

The Hurt Licker: A child suffers embarrassment when his mom does far more than merely kiss his boo-boo. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

It's a Wonderful File: An angel shows Daniel Ellsberg that we'd still be fighting in Vietnam if he hadn't released the Pentagon Papers. (Judy Kramer, Alexandria, a First Offender)

Married to the OMB: Peter Orszag needs a vacation. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Once Is Now Enough: The Viagra generation faces the sad truth. (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

Liar Lair: The history of the U.S. Capitol. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

Mr. MyGoo: An executive's extreme nearsightedness leads to one disaster after another. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)

Moonstuck: An impudent teenager meets his match when he tangles with automatic car window. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

10 Dalmatians: Cruella wins. (Craig Dykstra)

Return of the Secaucus Semen: A New Jersey sperm donor attempts to track down his many progeny. (Jeff Loren, Manassas)

Norma Rat: A busybody spoils a good thing for textile factory management. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

The Molar Express: A boy and his friends take a magical train trip to visit the Tooth Fairy. (Marbury Wethered, Greenbelt)

Cents of a Woman: The story of the courageous souls who solved women's inequality by putting Susan B. Anthony and Sacagawea on some coins nobody uses. (Nick Dyen, Harrisonburg, Va., a First Offender)

The Sixth Tense: "I will have been seeing dead people." (Christopher Jones, Vienna)

Slamdog Millionaire: The Michael Vick saga. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)

Sooth Pacific: "Verily, whenas there be a dame, fain would there be nought like it." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Uh: Old guy ties balloons to his house but can't remember why. (John Winant, Arlington)

Gall-E: The Jim Nabors story. (Michael Duffy)

And last: Midnight Empress: The sad moral tale of a poop-joke columnist who forsakes family and friends for her career. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand)

Next Week: Har monikers, or Funny, init?